6 Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry in July
Facts can be misleading... the delusional and speculative ramblings of a man in the midst of a marshmallow induced sugar high is where you'll find the truth. These are things that the bicycle industry definitely doesn't want you to know about.
Annual Human Sacrifice a Success at This Year's Passportes du Soleil
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Mayor of Les Gets, Todd “The Bod” Beckingham has declared this year's satanic human sacrifice to the mountain bike gods a success, as 10,000 Canyon-wielding middle aged men went to their ultimate demise whilst wearing waterproof three quarter length trousers, full knee-and-shin-guards and sun-bleached, decades-old Urge Bike Products helmets.
“The conditions were perfect. Torrential horizontal rain picked off some stragglers in the early morning as they waited hours for the lifts. Then the roasting hot sun boiled the others alive in their waterproofs as soon as they entered the gondola cabins. It was a textbook PDS! The best part is that they paid for the privilege.”
Human rights lawyers are set to investigate where this method of self-elected execution is actually a workaround from EU euthanasia laws, and they could be set to insist that in future editions nobody can drop dead until they cross the border to Switzerland.
Brow-Beaten Rider Chooses to Express Entire Personality via Their Socks, and Their Socks Alone
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A mountain biker has decided that music, art, humour, writing and any other form of cultural expression just aren’t enough and he will solely express himself through zany socks from here on out.
Justin Timberlake tells us, “I realised about five years ago that the soul crushing monotony of life had essentially won. Have my data, Zuckers. Tell me what to think, media moguls. Tell me what to eat, weirdly specific and often conflicting dietary advice. Honestly, just take my soul… it’s so bland and grey that taking any level of ownership in it seemed futile and meritless… then I discovered fun socks!”
“Have you ever seen Homer Simpson on a sock?! Wild! What about ones that are pink! Pink socks! What time to be alive. You can take my life, my passion, and my essence you corporate world, but you’ll never take my love of high-wicking, fast drying and kooky socks!”
Goggles Filter Out More than User Bargained For
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Disaster this week as it turns out the latest high-tech, trail-hybrid, radiation-resisting, glare-reducing high performance goggle not only filters out 100% of UV but also 87% of trail features.
“I couldn’t believe it” explained user Leane Der Fall, “They cost $200 dollars and I can’t see shit! I could have achieved the same effect with an eye mask, subsequently, I’ve never ridden so fast. It turns out you don’t drag brakes over what you can’t see. So, in some ways they truly are a high performance product”.
Subsequently Der Fall destroyed the lens entirely by foolishly using the soft micro-cloth goggle wipe included and presuming it wouldn't act precisely like sand paper on the pricey-lenses.
E-biker Ostracized by a Community He Wasn't Even Aware Existed
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E-biking Australian Ken Oath was taught this week what the mountain bike community was, before he was then told he was excluded from it. Oath, who resides in the UK, had previously no notion of the wider cultural significance of bicycle riding and always thought tailgate pads were in case you wanted to have a sandwich and a nice sit down.
“It turns out” he tells us, “Mountain biking is a whole thing! I was oblivious. People kept talking to me about access rights. I thought it was a case of mistaken identity. It turns out, flow trails are meant to be ridden downhill, too! Can you believe it?”
Bicycle Reviewer Polarises Audience with Message of Positivity
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“Piss off, nerd!” was the combined response of over 50,000 mountain bikers when a well intentioned but ultimately naive journalist said we should all get along in a recent blog.
Lenny Quimby, of no fixed abode, suggested that we all just get along, whatever your bike, riding style or preference for berms or natural trails. The well meaning but ultimately futile piece took on the erroneous belief that mountain bikers wished to like each other, and in fact didn’t revel in the conflict.
“We’re toxic and we like it!” read one comment with 176,000 upvotes.
Whole Bike Frame Designed Entirely Around Lunchbox
![photo]()
New bike brand Snaction has taken a bold new step in mountain biking geometry and frame features by designing their whole bike around a Thomas the Tank Engine lunchbox.
Head designer Hannah Anna Pethrington explains the brands ethos. “Angles this and stability that… what the downtube storage revolution has taught us is that what people actually like is lunch, so why limit it just so you can have a bike that rides margarinely, sorry marginally butter, I mean better! Solid geometry and perfect weight distribution will only get you so far… but a capri sun, a wagon wheel and a frube will always get you home.”
Annual Human Sacrifice a Success at This Year's Passportes du Soleil
Rabid dogs wait to pick the flesh off the bodies of the fallen.
Mayor of Les Gets, Todd “The Bod” Beckingham has declared this year's satanic human sacrifice to the mountain bike gods a success, as 10,000 Canyon-wielding middle aged men went to their ultimate demise whilst wearing waterproof three quarter length trousers, full knee-and-shin-guards and sun-bleached, decades-old Urge Bike Products helmets.
“The conditions were perfect. Torrential horizontal rain picked off some stragglers in the early morning as they waited hours for the lifts. Then the roasting hot sun boiled the others alive in their waterproofs as soon as they entered the gondola cabins. It was a textbook PDS! The best part is that they paid for the privilege.”
Human rights lawyers are set to investigate where this method of self-elected execution is actually a workaround from EU euthanasia laws, and they could be set to insist that in future editions nobody can drop dead until they cross the border to Switzerland.
Brow-Beaten Rider Chooses to Express Entire Personality via Their Socks, and Their Socks Alone
"The local shop is going to be so impressed! I'm absolutely barmy! Look at the stripes!"
A mountain biker has decided that music, art, humour, writing and any other form of cultural expression just aren’t enough and he will solely express himself through zany socks from here on out.
Justin Timberlake tells us, “I realised about five years ago that the soul crushing monotony of life had essentially won. Have my data, Zuckers. Tell me what to think, media moguls. Tell me what to eat, weirdly specific and often conflicting dietary advice. Honestly, just take my soul… it’s so bland and grey that taking any level of ownership in it seemed futile and meritless… then I discovered fun socks!”
“Have you ever seen Homer Simpson on a sock?! Wild! What about ones that are pink! Pink socks! What time to be alive. You can take my life, my passion, and my essence you corporate world, but you’ll never take my love of high-wicking, fast drying and kooky socks!”
Goggles Filter Out More than User Bargained For
"You know what would make riding this trail great? If I couldn't see it!"
Disaster this week as it turns out the latest high-tech, trail-hybrid, radiation-resisting, glare-reducing high performance goggle not only filters out 100% of UV but also 87% of trail features.
“I couldn’t believe it” explained user Leane Der Fall, “They cost $200 dollars and I can’t see shit! I could have achieved the same effect with an eye mask, subsequently, I’ve never ridden so fast. It turns out you don’t drag brakes over what you can’t see. So, in some ways they truly are a high performance product”.
Subsequently Der Fall destroyed the lens entirely by foolishly using the soft micro-cloth goggle wipe included and presuming it wouldn't act precisely like sand paper on the pricey-lenses.
E-biker Ostracized by a Community He Wasn't Even Aware Existed
"Wow, oh really? Ha. **** 'em".
E-biking Australian Ken Oath was taught this week what the mountain bike community was, before he was then told he was excluded from it. Oath, who resides in the UK, had previously no notion of the wider cultural significance of bicycle riding and always thought tailgate pads were in case you wanted to have a sandwich and a nice sit down.
“It turns out” he tells us, “Mountain biking is a whole thing! I was oblivious. People kept talking to me about access rights. I thought it was a case of mistaken identity. It turns out, flow trails are meant to be ridden downhill, too! Can you believe it?”
Bicycle Reviewer Polarises Audience with Message of Positivity
Can we not all just get along? Oh, we don't want to?
“Piss off, nerd!” was the combined response of over 50,000 mountain bikers when a well intentioned but ultimately naive journalist said we should all get along in a recent blog.
Lenny Quimby, of no fixed abode, suggested that we all just get along, whatever your bike, riding style or preference for berms or natural trails. The well meaning but ultimately futile piece took on the erroneous belief that mountain bikers wished to like each other, and in fact didn’t revel in the conflict.
“We’re toxic and we like it!” read one comment with 176,000 upvotes.
Whole Bike Frame Designed Entirely Around Lunchbox
"The tubing is a little boxy, but I think we can make it work."
New bike brand Snaction has taken a bold new step in mountain biking geometry and frame features by designing their whole bike around a Thomas the Tank Engine lunchbox.
Head designer Hannah Anna Pethrington explains the brands ethos. “Angles this and stability that… what the downtube storage revolution has taught us is that what people actually like is lunch, so why limit it just so you can have a bike that rides margarinely, sorry marginally butter, I mean better! Solid geometry and perfect weight distribution will only get you so far… but a capri sun, a wagon wheel and a frube will always get you home.”
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My sense humor is totally f-ed, the kind that gets young professionals canceled.
Loving the socks one - subtle but cutting.
(Dont listen to the guys who dont get it - they probably haven't even seen Monty Python)
Oooffff, this hit a little too close to home!
Also; being, not been. Whoops.
I've started buying take-offs and non-Maxxis tires just so they don't get a penny of my money to protest the nonsensical prices. I pay $100-110 for sport bike front tires. I'll pay $60-70 for MTB tires. That's about it.
www.quotes.net/mquote/1081241
E-Ripper