My Krampus Wish List

The children huddle together, hidden somewhere deep within the linen closet. I can hear them whispering excitedly and I have to smile. Krampus is nearly here.

Oh, the joy!

Each winter, as the rest of the world prepares for the fat guy in red to indulge his breaking-and-entering fetish, my family waits in eager anticipation, instead, for Santa’s goat-headed, demon assistant to pay us a visit.


Well, here’s the thing—a truly sturdy, child-size wicker basket is surprisingly difficult to come by these days. Furthermore, since I live in America, the odds are excellent that I’d get shot before my yuletide reign of terror really hit its stride. This is the downside, I suppose, of not living in Austria.

But hey, I can still terrorize my own children. I like to think that's all that truly matters.



“Daddy, do you think Krampus will really break into our house on Christmas eve and drag us down to hell?"

That's my youngest child—she's so adorable.

"Well," I say, "You never know. You never know. I mean, someone ate all the Christmas cookies the other day and none of you kids have confessed to the crime, so there's always the chance that Krampus might decide to sort that one out for himself if he's passing through our neighborhood. Who can say for sure?"

You see what I did there? It's the ambiguity that really seals the deal. If I've learned anything as a parent, it's that you need to keep the threat of impending doom open ended. Maybe the goat demon will come. Maybe not. Maybe he'll pick the right cookie-stealing culprit. Then again, maybe he'll snatch both of you instead... The point is to keep the kids guessing. Either way, they're less likely to eat all the cookies next time around. Basic Parenting 101: Ambiguous threats are your best friend. And in this case, it's perfectly in keeping with a classic, wintertime tradition that blends the best of Christian and pre Judeo-Christian European traditions. Who can argue with that?


But, hey, Christmas isn't just about the joy of bringing Krampus into children's lives. It's more than that. It's also the time of year when writers who make a living on the web also write about the crap they want that no one in their right mind is going to give them. I thought I'd indulge that tradition myself. Here are a few things I'd like.

TOYOTA TACOMA
There's no such thing as a free lunch. You've undoubtedly heard that one before. Well, there's another slightly less popular saying that travels the same philosophical ground; it goes like this, "Nobody is going to just up and buy your sorry ass a Toyota Tacoma." In fact, I think this second expression is actually even more true than the old chestnut about free lunches because I'm pretty sure I've had a free lunch here and there over the years, but no one in their right mind has ever offered me a pickup truck of any kind. And, trust me, I've been praying for years that someone would drop off a Tacoma 4WD in my driveway.

In the off chance that you feel like doing just that, rest assured, I'll tenderly welcome that gift pickup truck into my life with loving, open arms.

But since I'm a realist, I have to admit that I recently knocked this item off my Krampus list my own damn self. Yup, I sold a bike, scrimped and saved, and snatched up a 1998 Toyota Tacoma 4WD with 260,000 minty miles on the odometer (the engine got a rebuild about 30K ago). One of the rear side windows has been replaced with aluminum sheeting, the air conditioning doesn't work and a part of me worries about those miles, but I could afford this very used truck and while people say that money can't buy you happiness, I can call bullshit on that saying right now. This truck makes me happy. Ecstatic even. I can perform amazing feats, such as tossing firewood, deer carcasses, dead salmon (and my bike) in the bed of the truck. I can also put it in four-wheel drive and proceed to embark upon all manner of stupid and inadvisable adventures.... Oh, and the Tacoma gets 25 miles per gallon on the freeway when I drive it like a grandmother. That right there is happiness.


BLIND BEARING PULLER
Real World Cycling bills its Blind Bearing Puller as "The most versatile bicycle bearing removal tool available." The kit removes cartridge bearings with inside diameters from 8mm through 32mm. Since I live in a place that is dripping wet and rusting over nine months of the year, I foul hub, suspension pivot and bottom bracket bearings on the regular. And, yes, I know I can drive some of those cartridge bearings out with a hammer and set of Harbor Freight metric sockets, but just because you can get away with that sometimes, doesn't mean you always should—particularly when you are pounding pivot bearings out of a carbon frame. At any rate, this thing makes my heart beat faster. I want one.


PARK TOOL ADJUSTABLE TORQUE DRIVER
The old "Tighten the bolt until it spins freely and then back off half a turn." approach to working on your bike is fraught with peril. Getting torque right is, it goes without saying, key. I dig Park Tool's ATD-1.2 Adjustable Torque Driver. As the name implies, you can set the driver to 4, 4.5, 5, 5.5, or 6 Nm. It also comes with T25, and 3, 4 and 5-millimeter bits that store, handily, inside the thing's handle. Simple. Useful....and money well spent if it means you never experience that moment when you realize you overtightened the brake lever clamp and ruined a carbon handlebar.


AN AFFORDABLE 4K CANON CAMERA
Yes, I know such a thing doesn't exist at this time. But, hey, this is a wish list, right? Okay then...I wish Canon would get off their collective fat ass and roll out a prosumer-level DSLR that shoots 4K video. My damn iPhone shoots 4K, yet if I want to get a Canon that does the same, I'm going to have to pony up three grand for an EOS 5D Mark IV body (pictured above) to get the same quality. This all sounds esoteric, I admit, but if you want to make video and have it look good on people's screens in the (very near) future, you want to capture 4K footage.

So, plainly put... WhatTheF@ck, Canon? C'mon, guys, you're better than this. Get with goddamn program. You've already got ridiculously good autofocus and otherwise really solid cameras for anyone who wants to make video on a budget. You just need 4K. Have you not seen the Sony A6300? The Nikon D500? So, get off the damn couch, Canon, wipe off the vomit from the front of your sweater and get crackin'. Time's a wasting. Smart phones are owning your ass on this front. Step up!



RITCHEY OUTBACK
I'm no retro-grouch, but I do love the feel of a good steel frame. In worshipping at the altar of "stiff-stiff-stiff", I think the bike industry has created a crop of rigid 700c bikes that are often as pleasant to experience as an annual prostate exam. Unless, of course, you look forward to that particular exam, in which case, good for you, I suppose. But I digress... Ritchey's Outback promises the forgiving ride quality that makes their Swiss Cross such a great ride, but sports a reasonable bottom bracket height, through axles front and rear, disc brake tabs, good tire clearance (for 40c tires)... I'm not a huge fan of the teal color scheme (red, yellow or British racing green would be improvements...basically every color the old Bridgestone RB-1s came in), but I dig where this Ritchey is headed...long rides, no cars, lots of peace and quiet.



ROCKSHOX LYRIK
I've been impressed by the Lyrik. I could drone on and on about how it offers good support, is easy to tune and so forth, but you get the idea... There are other very good forks at this travel range and if you were to wave a fresh 36 in front of my face, I'd just as soon snatch that from you and run away as quickly as possible. The latest Lyrik, however, has earned a spot in my heart. Maybe it's simply because I've spent more time aboard it on the test bikes I've been riding. Either way, I want one.