I nearly lost an eyeball while trimming my fingernails last night. Well, I guess I didn't really come close to losing it, but for a few seconds it sure felt like I'd be the proud owner of a mildly offensive nickname such as Uno or Periscope and an eyepatch. One minute I'm clipping away, and a second later a piece of my own nail flew up and lodged itself firmly under my eyelid as if it was being controlled by some sort of tractor beam. Cue the flailing and swearing as the sharp edges of my errant thumbnail dug into my pupil.
I eventually dislodged the attacker by clawing at it furiously with my fingers, a tactic that probably wasn't the right approach considering what I was doing in the washroom just before cutting my fingernails. Anyway, it's always a shock when things go from 'okay' to 'oh no' in a matter of seconds - it's as if some omnipotent higher power is watching and saying, ''Hmm, that smug look on Levy's face makes me want to f*ck his shit up,'' which is also exactly what it feels like.
This can sometimes be especially true when it comes to riding.
A few years ago, I had a seemingly simple mechanical issue do more than just wipe my grin away - it also saw me crouched down in a feces and urine splattered outhouse while shivering and slurring my words. And I wasn't even on drugs at the time. I was on a bike that was spec'd with an older-gen Stan's rear hub, a component notorious for its ability to self-immolate if you didn't talk sweetly to it during a ride. Long story short, it was a very cold and wet day, hovering around freezing, and the hub's innards decided that life wasn't worth living any longer. Instead, it came apart and turned my bike into a fixie at the very top of a 3,000-foot mountain. In the freezing rain. And I didn't have a chain tool for the same reason that I used my soiled fingers to dig a nail clipping out of my eye: I'm not that smart. At least a seized freehub can't give you pinkeye, right?
No big deal, I thought, I'll just coast down the gravel road, the same one that I just worked my ass off for an hour on, with my feet up off my spinning pedals. But that's when the skies opened up. You'd be amazed by how fast one's body loses its heat, and then its ability to control simple motor movements like, oh, I don't know, braking and steering. What should have taken ten minutes took nearly thirty because I had to stop multiple times to warm my hands up by putting them down the front of my lycra bib shorts, and I was speaking with a speech impediment and had moved past the point of shivering by the time I reached the bottom. My vehicle was still a solid 15kms away, however, which I had no hope of covering at this point. Thankfully, I crossed paths with a fellow rider while coasting down the road who offered to drive me to my van if I waited for him at the trailhead. So that's exactly what I did, crouching down on the floor of an outhouse that would have been a great location to shoot a scat fetish video. I also broke the world record for the longest, hottest shower when I did eventually make it home.
A ride-ruining but otherwise innocuous mechanical sent that day, and my body temperature, spiraling downwards alarmingly quick, but there have also been a few times when the blame fell squarely on my own shoulders. Probably more than a few times, actually, but a great moment of dumbassery that stands out to me happened on one of the best trails in the world during what would have been one of the better rides of my life had my day not gone into the 'oh no' zone just before finishing.
A buddy and I had driven the six hours from my hometown to Rossland so we could do a single lap of Seven Summits, a solid ride that, depending on your fitness level, consists of three to six hours spent dipping into and out of the alpine, all of it on singletrack. Yes, the twelve-hour round trip is entirely worth it. We had been on a good pace that sunny summer day, and it was looking like we'd finish up in around three hours, a fact that had my competitive ass pushing too hard for my skill and, more importantly, my remaining energy level. In retrospect, I should have taken a breather and eaten some candy, but I did the opposite: full gas... right off the side of an exposed section of trail due to being too tired to get my sketchy little cross-country bike pointed in the proper direction. Steering is a really important part of mountain biking, it seems.
Losing the front-end down the low side of an exposed trail at a high rate of speed is a funny way to crash because you get smacked down so damn fast that you don't have a clue what happened. I might not have known what occurred when I did eventually sit up, but it took just a few seconds to discover that my poor steed was in rough shape, and it was one-hundred-percent my bad. A taco'd front wheel, both tires ripped off the rims, and a twisted fork made my cracked ribs and a concussion look not so bad, and what should have been twenty-minutes of coasting down to my van saw me instead spend an hour wheezing and brake dragging.
It took mere seconds for that ride to go from one of my best to one of my worst, and while it's very different from a fingernail clipping bent on revenge or a seized freehub and freezing rain doing their best to turn me into an ice cube, it's yet another example of things going south way too quickly for my liking.
I could go on and on. There was that time that, as a young and ignorant pup, I had done some "maintenance" to my bike before a downhill race only to have the stanchion tubes of my Marzocchi Z1 literally fall out of the fork crown mid-run ("Hey, what are these dumb C-clips for?"); or that time when I was dead sure that I could clean a relatively puny drop at the old Red Bull Rampage site and instead nearly ended up dead when I rag dolled for seventy feet, only hitting the ground three times over the distance. The bright side of that crash was that I did end up finding my shoes afterward. There's also that time, not long ago, when I looped out at the trailhead and landed squarely on my ass. That last one would have been more embarrassing than painful had I not stashed a multi-tool in the back pocket of my bib shorts just above my tailbone. Ouch. There are more, but I'm going to stop with the examples of things going from fine to fubar in only a few seconds.
The thing is that shit just seems to happen, doesn't it? One minute you're in the shower and the next you've slipped on the soap and someone finds your body in the bathtub two weeks later. Or you get cooked by lightning. Or blinded by your own fingernail clipping. All I know is that, if things are going to go south in a hurry, I'd like to at least be on my bike rather than in the shower, caught in a lightening storm, or lose my sight from a flying thumbnail.
Now as soon as your ride MTB and you don't look like a sperm while your bike does not resemble a road bike with fatter tyres and narrow bars - you do extreme sports. You can be a weekend warrior on 120 bike, but if you have knee pads and baggy shorts, you basically end up in the same basket with Nitro Circus and Wingsuit proximity flying.
Sht happens, one day you can die under the shower, get blown up by a guy who didn't make it on the plane to USA, or maybe slowly but surely by a tripple bacon sandwich followed by bullet proof coffee.
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So funny!
These days I feel my riding ability is pretty decent, decent enough to have alot of fun so I just dont try to much stupid shit, I far more enjoy being healthy and able to ride as much as I want rather than chopping of a sec here or there. I've started to learn to only push it when the situation is favourable with plenty of stoke and good trail conditions.
At the end of the day as a weekend warrior nobody is going to care whether I am 5 seconds, 5min or 50min slower on a ride. But I sure as shit wont be happy if I have to do surgery on a knee that might never fully recover or might not be able to ride well again.
Shit will happen, but much less so if we think before hand about the potential risk!
Also, I had planned to trim my own nails after reading one last Pinkbike article. I now question the wisdom of ever trimming them again. You'll have to answer to the collective friends, family, and significant others of the MTB community for this.
...I f'ing hate "hiking".
About a year ago and still pisses me off pretty good. Ive had many minor injuries I could ride through, the wrist wasn't having it.
Myself and two friends Alex and Sion set off on a hike a bike ride in the Lake District, UK. It was a beautiful warm winters day in the valley floor in Grasmere village so we were just in shorts and t-shirt with just lightweight soft shell jackets stuffed into our rucksacks. Our plan was to ride/hike up then join a Ridgeline that would descend all the way down into Ambleside, the nearby town.
We set off on the hike a bike climb, still in the sunshine and overheating from walking up this mountain with our bikes on our backs. So far so good. Fast forward 2 hours and about 100m below the summit and the weather turns pretty bad very quick. It went from beautiful sunny day to whiteout winter snowstorm in about one minute. We put on our jackets then crack on to the top. Upon arriving at the top its freezing cold, visibility is down to a few bike lengths and the wind has reached that knock you off your bike kind of strength. Not exactly the kind of conditions you hang around in, so we stopped for a quick summit celabratory high five then started riding down.
Almost immediately, maybe 5 seconds into riding and Alex's rear tubeless setup explodes. Not ideal but we have all the stuff to sort it in our bags so we run back up to the summit trig point (big pile of rocks that marks the summit) and huddle up taking it in turns to do various stages of putting a new tube in whilst the other two huddle for warmth. Finally the tube is in, pumped up and ready to go, but by this point all three of us are too cold to even use the brakes so we huddle into this pile of rocks whilst we try warm our hands down our shorts. We get on our bikes only to find that in our cold, not thinking straight condition none of us remembered to screw the presta valve back up. Unbeknown to us at the time, when the bike was laid back on its side whilst we huddled for warmth, the valve pressed against a rock and let all the air out of the fresh tube!
We assumed the new tube had a hole but by this point we were all too cold to consider swapping out the tube again. My hands were no longer functioning as hands so I couldn't ride either. I had also got pretty disorientated by the whiteout so I literally just pointed in the general area of where we needed to go and we just ran, pushing our bikes by our sides. We just needed to get off the summit.
By some sheer luck, out of 5+ ridge lines that all start from that summit, we ended up running down the right one. I put it down to my ingrained knowledge of those hills, having been dragged up them by my parents since I was born (thanks mum and dad!) Eventually we got below the cloud and we suddenly burst out back into beautiful warm sunshine, about a quarter of the way down the ridge. We basked in the sun like reptiles, fixed Alexs flat then had an amazing ride down into Ambleside.
We laughed about it later in the pub, but I honestly feel that if we had stayed on that summit much longer it would have turned into a serious situation. Getting a few punctures sounds like a common ride mishap for sure, but combine that with the situation we were in and it makes it 10x worse.
Its one we will never forget for sure. Fast forward five years and I even mentioned that day in my best mans speech at Alex's wedding.
We then had to then repeat that process on every lift and every track back to morzine. If anyone is familiar with that area, you will know how long it takes to get from morzine to champery and back again. Now imagine doing every lift/trail twice to get the extra two bikes. Took about 4 hours to get back to the chalet.
To top that off... wheel was so eff'd that i couldn't push the bike with one hand to even walk out of the woods. So i had to call the closest person i know to my position for help... which just so happened to be the guy i borrowed the bike from cause his work was right down the street 5 minutes. So not only am i f*cked up, but i had to call this dude, ask him to leave work to come help me, and inform him that i just f*cked his bike all up... SURPRISE!
All in all... drove myself to the hospital (which i worked at so i got to butt in line at the ER), and fixed his bike up with new stuff. The whole thing was beyond stupid though.
I was still around 1.5 miles from the exit of the trail, and I knew I had to get out asap. I couldn't really put any weight on it without sharp pains. I spent the next 3-4 hours limping and struggling to get down the trail, using my bike as a crutch, trying my best to keep weight off my knee. This trail is like most sedona trails, up and down, lots of technical features, not the kinda stuff you want to be limping on. The sun was starting to go down and I had to get out before it got dark. When I made it back onto Shnebly Hill rd, it was already 5:30pm and the sun was setting, luckily two Jeeps that were 4x4ing down the roadsaw me on the side of the road and gave me a ride back to the parking lot and my car.
One of the hardest things I've had to endure in my life. Don't ride alone guys, and definitely don't ride gnarly lines by yourself either. Be prepared for whatever may happen and reserve time if shit does go down. My meniscus tore and flipped back behind the knee joint, severely smashed my cartilage as well. Got surgery and now I'm on the road to recovery, won't be riding for another 2-3 months though.
Man, M.L. is such a talented writer, always point on and with a refreshening vibe to it. Shit happens all the time i'm just trying to be a bit more humble about things because our ability to control every outcome is very much limited.
Not a storm i wanna be in either!
Friend pointed the bike down, saw the hole to late, hit the curbstone at the end of the hole (+30cm high), tyre exploded, rim exploded and he got airborne. wheel and fork are total loss
Changes in familiar tracks are the most dangerous it seems
I'm lucky enough to live just 1KM from our trail head where anyone else has to ride for an hour or drive there.
I say lucky, This particular day I'd say I was complacent.
I was feeling pretty awesome this particular day, I'd been on a fitness regime that was starting to show it's worth, the sun was out, it was a gorgeous early Autumn day and I had plans to rip the trails apart. I'm sure you have all been there when you feel on top of your game and your cup of stoke is overflowing.
Well, off I go out the house 200 meters down the road and across the golf course (on a designated pathway). I was bouncing, popping of any and every tiny undulation. I arrive at the gate that lets you through into the woods where I have ridden for over 15 years (the local), waiting to share my stoke with #Allthelads who I knew were already in there.
Hit the first bit of single-track down a route which I knew would take me to the judges seat ( a place to drop your bags and chill between runs while watching others pin or not pin the trails), and I thought I'd take a slightly different line in and out of a bomb hole, a line that I could pop of and get a bit of air, cool.
It was cool for 0.5 seconds when all of a sudden the world turned slow Mo. I had massively misjudged the entry and began to hurtle into the bomb hole in the air heading to the other side finally coming to an immediate halt as I hit the bank on the other side. At this point I got very intimate with Newton's Third Law. I'm not the lightest guy on a bike (more Rugby than Soccer) so I hit the ground and the ground hit back by serving up 5 broken ribs a collapsed and punctured lung. I yelped loudly with what felt like my last breath. Luckily it was loud enough for the lads to here approx. 200m away. I had only been riding 5 minutes if that.
My buddies came to my rescue, when I saw the look on their faces when they found me it was quite worrying, these guys are not usually phased by much and we had seen all sorts of bad injuries over the years, I mean they just left there V10's and demo's lying in the woods as they took me back across the golf course to my buddies van and rushed me to hospital as I seemingly fell in and out of consciousness barely breathing.
By the way not one golfer would put me in their golf buggy to help me go the 600m to the van, bastards.
To cut the story short after 4 epidurals, constant self-dosing morphine, loads of other pills, some really strange trippy moments, a great bed bath, complete respiratory failure after week one in hospital where I could have died and not known anything about it and the embarrassment of singing "There's no Limit" by 2 unlimited (which I hate, I wish the Doctor hadn't told me about that bit) as I was rushed from Intensive care unit to Intensive treatment unit Higher than I have ever been in my life and probably in Keith Richards life combined.
I went to some really far out places in my head those two weeks in hospital. However I understand that SHIT HAPPENS.
So here I am, my cup is full of stoke again and I'm raring to ride this weekend just as I was that weekend.
Yeeeehaaa!
Bring it on.
Last year trying to keep up with my very talented friend down Mt. Washington I lost traction and spun out onto my hip, which happened to contain my galaxy s6. The phone was twisted in a somewhat hilarious state and my leg/hip had a nice galaxy s6 shaped dark purple bruise for a few weeks afterwards.
Got up next morning, drove to Bike Park Wales, booked onto the uplift, went back to car, got bike out, axle fell onto floor.
Sigh.
What a stupid way to die: "Oh, look, I am dying, but it is so great ... I am pedaling"
was clearly malarkey, as anyone who's ever looped out and landed on said tailbone knows, there are FEW places on your body that hurt more when landed on than your COCCYX
One thing I think you could have added to the end of your article was in regards to loved ones. Since we don't know when our day will come, it's important to take every opportunity available to tell those close to you how much they mean to you and to be in the moment. So often in our busy lives, we look forward to tomorrow, next week, next month, year, etc. Whenever my wife and I make plans, we say God willng... because you never know if you'll actually be able to see those plans through. Living life like there's no tomorrow is important, but loving others like you'll never see them again is more important in my humble opinion.
www.youtube.com/user/DropInTVseries
But I always read things, on the same note, be it a blog, facebook status or something like this (whatever it is?) and think to myself: Well no shit... Life isn't hunky dorey all the time. Shit does happen. It's a fact of life. We don't need constantly reminding about it. We don't need "insightful" blatherings about how things can go wrong. That is just how life is. You're born. You deal with life. You die.
But seriously, you need to up your nail cutting game....you're supposed to snip then after a shower when your nails are soft....
Full disclosure: I only know this b/c I have little groms who can't cut their own nails.